Preparation for Parenthood: Disciplining with Love

Dear Future Family,

      Parenting, I have heard many times, is not something that you can prepare for. Even if you try, you will soon realize how little your preparation has helped. Although I am not a parent, I do not agree 100% with these ideas. I agree that you will not be 100% prepared to parent and no amount of preparation before hand will make you the perfect parent when the time comes. Having said this, I also don’t believe that it is useless to prepare before hand and I believe there can be some wonderful benefits to pre-parenting preparation.

One of the biggest challenges, I feel, that parents face with their children, especially their teenagers, is communication. When disciplining a child, it can be so difficult to do so without becoming angry or frustrated. However, when disciplined with love, you can create some wonderful opportunities to connect with your children and grow closer together. There are several ways that one can reach the point where they can successfully discipline with love. I want to focus and expound on one of these ideas.

To discipline your child with love is to “say it with love.” In an article titled: “Say it With Love: Using Communication to Strengthen Our Relationships with Our Children,” the author explains some great ways to communicate effectively with children. The first thing mentioned is taking time to talk. This allows you to understand more about the child’s views on the situation. Then, you can invite cooperation in respectful ways through 5 easy steps:

         i.      Describe: “Describe what you see or describe the problem”

         ii.      Give Information: “Instead of "Who drank milk and left the bottle standing out?" say "Kids, milk turns sour when it isn't refrigerated."

         iii.      Say it with a word: “Instead of "You promised before we got a dog that you would feed him every day. Now this is the third time I've had to remind you this week" say, "Billy, the dog."

         iv.      Talk about your feelings:  Make no comment about the child's character or personality. Instead of "What's wrong with you? You always leave the screen door open!" say, "It bothers me when the screen door is left open. I don't want flies around our food."

          v.      Write a note: Sometimes nothing we say is as effective as the written word. The note below was written on the bathroom mirror by a father who was tired of cleaning his daughter's long hairs from the sink drain: "Help! Hairs in my drain give me a pain. Glug, your stopped up sink." Another note was written by an employed mother who taped it to the TV: "Before you turn this on--think--Have I done my homework? Have I practiced?" (Duncan, 2002)

These steps can create an environment in which children can understand where the parent is coming from and where the parent can see the child’s perspective as well. This can become a special opportunity for the parent and child to bond in a way that they never have before. There is a level of respect and trust that is formed between them, which in turn, creates a more loving relationship.

I believe that if you can have a mindset that includes these ideas as you prepare to have children, it can benefit you in many ways. It is true that we cannot control many aspects of parenthood and our experience with it, nevertheless, I do believe we have control over one very important aspect of parenthood. Ourselves. We choose how we go into it and how we want to perceive our roles as parents. This is a great power that, if used intelligently, can help us be more prepared to be the kind of parents we want to be.

Sydney

References: Duncan, Stephen F. Say it With Love: Using Communication to Strengthen Our Relationships with Our Children. Forever Families. The School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, Aug. 2002. Web. 30 June 2017.