Supporting Those Who Struggle With Same-Gender Attraction


Dear Future Family,
            This week I want to talk about a subject that is very sensitive and controversial. It is something that is very personal to me and that I have thought a great deal about my entire life. This subject is that of same-sex attraction. Growing up in my hometown, I had many friends and some family that identified themselves as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. This is something that I did not support and that did not match my values or beliefs, however, those who did choose to identify themselves in that way were still my friends and family. It did not change the way that I viewed them as people. I still loved them very much and cared about my relationship with them. I still do. I want to focus today on another question that was brought up in my Family Relations class this week. That question is: “How might we best understand and support those who struggle with same-gender attraction?”
            Now, some of you may be thinking, “why is same-gender attraction a struggle? Isn’t that just part of who you are? Shouldn’t you just accept that?” These questions are good questions, and important questions to understand, but they are not part of the question that I would like to focus on. There are some who feel same-gender attraction that do not want to feel that attraction, therefore the attraction is a struggle for them. These people are the ones that I want to focus on and share what I have found about how we can best understand and support them.
            My views on same-sex attraction has changed throughout my life. When I was younger, I thought of it more as a fad. Something that was cool, so people started to choose same-sex attraction and identify themselves as some of the previously mentioned identities. Then, as I grew older, I started to recognize the pain that came with the realization that some of my friends/family had with these feelings. They were unwanted. This made me start to think that maybe it is something you are born with. Maybe they can’t choose. That has been my view for a number of years now, until recently in this class we had a discussion about it. It was discussed how maybe it is not so black and white. Maybe same-sex attraction is not something you are born with and it is not something that you choose. Maybe certain events that have occurred in your life brought these feelings and have made you feel attracted to the same sex.
            One theory was proposed by Daryl J. Bem from Cornell University. He wrote an article titled, “Exotic Becomes Erotic: A Developmental Theory of Sexual Orientation.” In this article, he explains that he believes that it can be broken down into a temporal sequence of events that lead to sexual orientation for most men and women in a gender-polarizing culture. The first event he identified was “Biological Variables,” meaning genes, prenatal hormones, ect. Bem explains that, “Biological variables such as genes or prenatal hormones do not code for sexual orientation per se but for childhood temperaments, such as aggression or activity level.” That brings us to the second event: “Childhood Temperaments,” which leads quickly to the third: “Sex-Typical/Atypical Activity and Playmate Preferences.”
Bem states that “A child’s temperaments predispose him or her to enjoy some activities more than others.. children will also prefer to play with peers who share their activity preferences… Children who prefer sex-typical activities and same-sex playmates are referred to as gender-conforming; children who prefer sex-atypical activities and opposite-sex playmates are referred to as gender nonconforming.” Bem shares that “Gender-conforming children will feel different from opposite-sex peers, perceiving them as dissimilar, unfamiliar and exotic. Similarly, gender-nonconforming children will feel different—even alienated—from same-sex peers, perceiving them as dissimilar, unfamiliar and exotic.” When they feel this way, they have stronger feelings towards the sex that they are less familiar with, even if it is feelings of fear and anger. This is the fourth event: “Feeling Different from Opposite/Same-Sex Peers.”
This is a stairway into the fifth event mentioned as, “Non-specific Autonomic Arousal to Opposite/Same-sex Peers.” When children feel these strong feelings around their same-sex, even if it is feelings of anger and fear, it is likely to become an autonomic arousal whenever in their presence. This can be confusing for the child and can eventually be transformed into event number six or, “Erotic/Romantic Attraction to Opposite/Same-Sex Peers” as they get older.
This article and others opened my eyes to the possibility that maybe it isn’t as black and white as either you are born with it or you choose it. Maybe there is more to consider. I do not claim to know everything or to be even close to truly understanding this topic. However, I would like to answer the question that was asked earlier as best as I can with the information that I have learned. “How might we best understand and support those who struggle with same-gender attraction?” I think that the best way to understand and support those who struggle with same-gender attraction is to share with them research that shows that there may be more to their attraction than biological factors or social trends. Continue to love those who are different from you, be their friend, show them you care, but be willing to inform them of the options that they have to seek truth and be open to new ideas and discoveries. Be willing to learn from someone who feels/believes differently than you. You don’t have to change your views, but you can still understand a little bit more about where other people are coming from.
I am a strong believer in the traditional family. I believe that marriage is ordained of God and that it is meant to be between a man and a woman. I know that this is no longer a popular belief and that many people are passionate about their views that are very different than mine. Some of my best friends are those people and that is okay. We are all entitled to our agency. We have the freedom to choose what we believe. I believe that love and acceptance are something that everyone needs, but I also believe that you can love and accept a person without loving and supporting their lifestyle and beliefs.
We live in a world full of diversity. It is up to us to find a way to get along.
Sincerely,

Sydney

 Sources: http://www.dbem.ws/APA%20Address.pdf

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